Slow And Steady
Photo by Yoann Boyer
A Bright Light In My Abyss
I remember when I came across Shinedown’s “Attention, Attention” album; it was my introduction to this band and showed up as a suggestion for me. I listened to a little piece of a couple of songs and bought the album. By this time I was having more good days than bad days. As I listened to the songs in order, I felt like this album had chronicled my journey perfectly, which felt absolutely amazing. In those moments, I felt like at least one person truly understood me and what I had been through.
By that time, I had spent so much time processing, and trying to make sense of my life experiences and figuring out how to be okay and move on with my life. It felt good to be in a place where feeling good actually felt welcome to me, because it took me a long time to get there, and I honestly didn’t think it was possible when I was so deep inside the darkness.
Never-Ending Tests Of Time
When I was in that place of spending more time with my monsters than anyone else, I went out and did things only if I absolutely had to while running the household and taking care of the kids, but when the kids were in school and I was alone, I really let the monsters take ahold of me. My logical brain has a hard time understanding why I allowed that to happen, because I always felt so much better when I was up accomplishing things and being around people. Now, I can understand that it was because I felt like I deserved to be punished so I would sit or lie there and beat myself up.
Once I got to a positive place more often than not, I thought things would continue to get better, and that I had processed through everything sufficiently. However, I have found out that there are times that something triggers the pain and struggle of those times, and I find myself once again exploring why, and working my way through it.
Understanding Gentle Healing
This last month, I got hit pretty hard by some old struggles and felt so defeated and wondered why this continues to happen. I kept asking myself, “What am I doing wrong? What am I missing?” I began to ask why these things keep coming up. What am I doing wrong that these old struggles and wounds keep coming to the surface? However, as I began to delve in and understand what was coming up, I started to have new realizations.
Once I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling and let my mind and heart open up to what the lesson was this time, I began to understand that every time something triggers me to be faced again with a part of my painful experiences, I am just getting another piece to heal. I realized that the things that keep coming up are from very traumatic experiences I have had and because of how deep the wounds go, I get to heal and grow piece by piece and that it actually is a gentle way of healing. This gives me plenty of opportunities to also show an outpouring of Love and care to myself.
I send you my hope and wish that you are able to give yourself some Love and care also.
