I’m Exhausted

Photo by Kinga Howard

Trying to Figure it all Out

I have been working really hard to be the best version of myself. After Erik passed, I gained a new determination to do this. I wanted to be okay so I could be the best mom for my kids and that was my driving factor. Eventually, when I started to step more and more into the light and allow myself to be happy; now I do it for me.

Over the past year or two, I have had people from my past come back into my life and want to assert their presence in my life. I have parted ways with people over the years when I could see that the relationships were not healthy for me; when I felt an energy drain, I knew I needed to walk away. Because of my choices to do this, I was told by many of these people that I am an awful person and I throw people away when I am done with them. This was very hurtful for me because it has never been easy for me to make the decision to part ways with anyone that I have been close to. It was a heavy weight I carried and it caused me to put high and thick walls up and I did my best not to let very many in very closely.

I also historically have been the type of person that has always tried to take the high road. It was important for myself to really work not to lash out at people that were nasty to me. I recognized that most people that are lashing out are hurting and I didn’t want to add to their pain and suffering. I taught my kids this as well. When someone was mean to them, we would talk about it and many times I knew some difficult home lives of the kids that were not nice to my children. So, I would encourage my kids not to sit and take it, but just walk away and find someone else to be around or find something else to do.

Wanting to See Things More Clearly

Now, I seriously wonder if I did myself and my children a very good service. As I watch things they go through now and think about past experiences, I feel like I may have failed them in a way. I have never been one to shy away from speaking up about things that I feel need to be said. However, the toxicity I have allowed before I got there hurts my heart. And, I took my kids on this sort of toxic journey with me. I was taught that giving and loving is what God wanted me to do; that it was most holy. Because of all of the mistakes I would make, I really never felt good enough. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get it right.

Now I can see that by being determined to give and give and give so I could be holy and righteous enough, I attracted over and over again the people that are really good at taking. Now that I have learned to see things more clearly and how balance is really necessary to live a happy and healthy life, I understand that when a giver says “no” to a taker, they employ all sorts of toxic tools to get their giver to stay and provide everything they want from them. When a bully is met with the silence of a person taking the high road, in my observation, many times it makes them angry and they double down to get a reaction, any reaction.

Is it just me, or are there just so many people that don’t believe that there are people in the world that do good and put their energy into being the best they can for no other reason than because it is who they are? It sometimes seems to me that when someone puts their energy into minding their own business and being their best self that it triggers the worst in those people that believe that nobody is a good person by choice. It seems to me that when those people are triggered, they put this good person in their sights and seem to make it their mission to break them and expose them. It makes me so sad that there are people that believe others do good things only when there is something in it for them.

What I Have Learned

So, now I have had person after person from my past that have come into my life and want me to welcome them back into my life. However, they only see who I was in the past; the giver and the right fighter. I have changed and I put my energy into staying in every present moment and keeping my energy and focus on me and what is healthy and right for me. I just want to live my life in the way that I have found that makes me happy and gives me inner peace. I don’t try to ask them to live the way I live or believe how I believe. I honor and respect them and their choice to live their life in peace. It has been frustrating that they cannot seem to be happy with affording me the same in return.

Now that I have had a bit of time to sit with this and wonder why people from my past have come back and see me as who I was in the past. I want to have healthy and supportive relationships, I have been putting my want and hope into this and it made me feel like I was doing something wrong because these people keep showing up.

As I have had honest and blunt conversations in asking what their intentions are and what they would like from me, I have hoped every time that they would see me and accept me as I am now. As the conversations have progressed, they always push an agenda that they have and it makes me sad because I really care deeply for them and have very fond memories of them and with them. However, now I can see that this has given me the opportunity to share with them who I am. When they assert their perception of me, I have spoken up to voice my truths and who I am. This has allowed me to be my authentic self and I can see now that I am no longer taking on the responsibility of other’s feelings and beliefs and accepting them as my own. This is huge progress for me.

It has happened over and over at this point that when I have told these people I love that I disagree with them, they tell me that they are offended and they twist my words in a way that is untrue. It has allowed me to find and speak my truths. It is not surprising to me that they don’t focus on all of the good things I say to them and about them and how I tell them all of the things I love about them. They focus on what they want to change my mind about. Now, I just stand firm in my truths and then they one by one decide that I am no longer worth their time and energy. What a wonderful and great gift this has given to me.

I guess the reason I feel exhausted by this process is because I get my hopes up every time that I can have some of the people I love dearly back in my life in a positive and uplifting way. So far, this hasn’t happened. However, it allows me to really see and become more confident in one of my favorite truths … when something is right for me, it is life giving and energizing with an underlying current of peace. I love this song because I seek to be like this man on the tractor in this song.