Chain Breaking
Photo by Aida L
A New Day
Something that has been coming to my mind a lot lately is breaking the chains of abusive and toxic behaviors. As I look around and think about my life, I feel humbled to be living in this time and to be part of the movement to break these chains.
I love this song because it speaks to how awful it is to be caught up in the midst and be the target of abusive and toxic behaviors. It also speaks to being self-aware and recognizing when one gives in to participating in those same toxic and abusive behaviors.
Learning to Choose a Better Way
Erik and I were both raised in strict households that had very strong standards, each in their own way. Some of the behaviors and beliefs that were fostered were … children are to be seen and not heard … protect the family name, if you behave badly, it reflects poorly on the family as a whole … it is better to give than to receive … suck up those tears, do you want me to give you something to cry about … I think you get the picture.
Our parents are our strongest examples and it is very common to learn their behaviors and they can easily become such a strong part of who we are. Even though there were things that we did not want to repeat with our own children, when things got stressful; we would repeat the words and behaviors of our parents that we were determined not to. The guilt and shame we felt over repeating these patterns was so strong. When our children looked at us with those scared or shameful eyes, it took us back to those times when we were children and we felt like such failures and felt so scared too.
As I have sat down and talked to my children about these things, they have extended grace to me and have been so forgiving. They have told me how scary and awful it was at the time and that there were times that they hated both of us. I have sat listening to them talk about their memories growing up and it still makes me very sad to listen to and remember those things that if I were a perfect person would have never done.
It is not easy to be in the hot seat and hear about how my words and actions have negatively affected my children, but I do it and I validate their feelings and memories and tell them that what I did was not okay and offer a heartfelt apology. They have also sat with me to remind me that every time we acted out of anger with our words and actions, we went to them and apologized and told them that it is never okay for anyone to treat them badly and that it wasn’t their fault. They have shared with me that even though some times were not fun, we always took responsibility for our bad behaviors and never tried to explain them away or blame them on anyone else.
As I have been thinking about breaking the chains of abuse, I have realized that this is how it is done. That is how healing happens, slowly; little by little, step by step. We are living in a world full of imperfect people. That is part of what makes this experience beautiful to me. We are all imperfect and get to offer grace and forgiveness to others when they hurt us and in turn others can offer us the same.
Forward Moving Momentum
Because I have a background in Human Resources, I have people come to me to get advice as to disturbing experiences they are experiencing in the workplace. Back 20 to 25 years ago when I was working those grunt jobs. When supervisors or fellow employees mistreated me, I put my head down and chose not to engage with them. I spoke up when things were so wrong; when I really needed to get someone to back off and reset boundaries. When it got to a point where I couldn’t escape those things, I moved on to another job. As I have been hearing so many of these disturbing behaviors happening to so many people I know, it has had me feeling that I didn’t do enough. If I would have spoken up and stayed; been more brave, things could have been better now.
I am really good at finding all the reasons to blame myself when anyone I love and care about is hurting and suffering through difficult experiences. Because I have been working so hard at being more kind to myself and offering the same grace I offer to others also to myself, I am seeing things more clearly.
Now I can see that back in those days, I did do what I could. I didn’t stay around and allow others to treat me poorly. Not engaging with them and leaving when things got bad was doing something. I have always had a very good work ethic and every job I had, I excelled at. So, I know that it was painful when I left because they lost a very good employee. Because there have been so many people that chose to do those same things, to send a clear message that we wouldn’t stick around and give up our lives and sanity for a company, we collective made things better. Thankfully, laws have been made to offer more protection also.
It amazes me how hard businesses and individuals are holding on to toxic and abusive tactics. The difference now is that I see more and more people that are willing to stay and speak up about the toxicity and show with their words and actions that they will not go quietly. That is what is affecting the biggest changes to make things better for themselves and for future generations.
I just want to thank all of the people that have been willing to step out of their comfort zone to speak up and do things differently even when it feels so uncomfortable. It feels so scary and many times it feels so lonely. Because, a lot of times, even with all the progress that has been made; there is still only one person surrounded in a sea of all the others that are too scared to step up and stand with them. I promise you, every time you choose to follow that inner voice inside of you that is urging you to do the most scary thing you could do in that moment, you are making a bigger impact and difference than you even realize, thank you.
