Check-In Moments
Photo by Jametlene Reskp
Triggers
Today, here I am listening to music randomly and this song played. It took me back to the day when I happened to hear one of my kids listening to this song. For some reason, this one made me stop and listen to the words. A good portion of the time when I hear music, I passively listen. When there is something that needs attention inside of me, something stops me and I pay attention. Thankfully I have learned that learning what my triggers are isn’t as important as recognizing when I am triggered and have the coping skills to stay present.
As I listened to this song, my heart began to break over and over again. One of the worst feelings for me is knowing that things I have done cause people I love heartbreak and pain. When I listened to the words, it gave me a glimpse into what she was feeling as she was working through her own grief process. Actually, I didn’t ask her, I just imagine that she must have related to it as she was listening to it and heard it subsequently after for a time.
Healing Over Time
During that time, all that I could see and reflect on were all the things that I felt like I had done wrong. All the ways that I had failed all of the people that I love more than anyone here on this earth and those now gone. Things don’t feel any more final to me than someone you love choosing to leave me with such finality. I felt so much shame and regret for all of the fights that I had with Erik, all of those tiny annoyances that I allowed to distract me from all of his amazing qualities. He had so many more amazing qualities than the annoyances that got in the way.
It is amazing to me. As much progress as I have made; the healing I have done and the happiness and joy I feel for most of my moments these days; hearing this song today took me right back to that place. Every time this happens, I get the chance to make the choice; will I go back and get lost in the darkness and allow myself to beat me up? Or will I keep looking to the light and choose hope?
Forward Momentum
I am thankful that the feelings of peace and happiness are more familiar and comfortable to me now. I actually go through a myriad of emotions and the strongest one is my gratitude in that I am no longer numb and I can feel again. I can be really good at blaming myself for all of the hurts and pains that those I love go through. So, I call it one of my check in moments.
As I look back on the last year, I had a significant shift inside of me. When I have had these check in moments, I explored my progress and how far I have come. When I had these moments, I practiced looking at all of the things that I did right. I have been through many very hard life experiences and still yet, I never lost my desire and ability to be kind to others. The icing on the cake is that I look at how well all my children are doing, we have all put in the work and effort to heal and live life to the fullest. I guess I just want to honor the last year and I look forward to what this new year has in store for me. I hope that you are able to see and embrace all of the amazing qualities in yourself as well!
