A Deeper Glimpse into Me

Photo by Ion Fet

Life Can Be So Unfair

Nine years ago today was when Erik passed from this life. Lately, the memory of that night keeps coming into my mind. My oldest son was 13 at the time and my youngest son was two weeks shy of his 8th birthday. Erik had tried to teach me how to build a fire. When that didn’t go well at all, he began to teach our son. So, that night, I asked him if he could teach me how to build a fire. He took his little brother by the hand and said, “We are the men of the house now.” It makes me quite emotional every time I think about it.

There are plenty of times when I have had the thought that it isn’t fair everything my children have had to go through in their short lives. As I look back, I can see that I had this hope for them that they would live charmed lives. I wanted for them to have idyllic childhoods and never be touched by the pains that are around us everywhere we look in this world.

When I was drowning in depression and lying in bed, Erik would sometimes come kneel at my side, take my hand and say, “It just isn’t fair, you are such a good person.” I was very confused every time that he would do this because he had so many struggles in his life here. On the days when I was not in bed and he would say that to me, I would tell him that my struggles have taught me a lot. They have taught me to be a very caring and compassionate person.

Something I believe now is that I can love as deep as I can feel pain. Because I have been through incredibly painful experiences, it allows me the ability to love with that same intensity.

A New Perspective

I finally stopped feeling that life wasn’t fair for my kids and just decided to put my full focus and energy on loving them and supporting them with every fiber of my being. Plenty of people have volunteered their opinions and judgments in this area. I have been told over and over again that I don’t have a healthy relationship with my children. This because they like me and like spending time with me; being around me. I won’t lie, I had a lot of doubts and worries that I was creating co-dependent relationships with them because of all of these people giving me this unsolicited feedback.

I sat down and talked to each of them and asked them and they all told me the same thing. They told me that the reason I get to have a close relationship with them is because I listen to them; I don’t try to fix them or change them, I just love and support them.

Silver Linings

One year after Erik’s passing, we were all feeling the heavy weight of the anniversary. The date is also one week after one of my daughter’s birthday. One of my children apologized for not feeling excited for the birthdays that surround the anniversary. I looked around at my kids and my own sadness was compounded immensely as I saw and felt their despair. Then a thought came into my mind and I shared it with them. I told them that this time of year is surrounded by reasons to celebrate with two birthdays and Thanksgiving with Christmas right around the corner. I don’t know if it helped them or if they even remember that, it did help me though.

When I listen to this song, it takes me on such a strong emotional journey. When Erik and I began dating and then decided to get married, there was not one person that was excited or happy for us except for us. We didn’t make sense to anyone but each other. We were so different in so many ways but the same in all the ways that matter most. Ultimately, the best way I can describe what Erik was to me and for me was that he felt like home. I felt safest inside of him so to speak because when he looked at me, he saw all of me and he loved me anyway.

It took me awhile to truly be willing to believe that Erik was still with me. I had the hope for so long, but now I feel inside of me with every part of me that he never left. There is a part of me that is amazed that he chose to stay here as long as he did because of what I know about the pain and struggles of his life here. Then there is the other part that is so sad that he couldn’t see the amazing man that I saw and knew him to be, and felt like myself and our children would be better off without him.

Nonetheless, I am and will be forever grateful for the blessed 19 years I got with him on this journey of my life here. And, I have our children that walk alongside me who also see me and love me just the way I am, just like he did.